Only A Dream?

"This time I wonder what it feels like to find the one in this life; the one we all dream of. But dreams just aren't enough."~Nickelback

We were in world geography, the only class from last semester that I actually miss. We were talking to our friend, the one who always calls him gay. Then she left with our other friend; she just got up and left, kind of like it was planned, leaving just the two of us together with only a few other people in the room around us, but they weren't paying any attention to us. We stood up, I don't remember why, and we were just looking at each other. Then we were talking. I don't remember about what, but I do remember we were both smiling. He almost looked like he was thinking about something, like he had something on his mind. Then he leaned down. And we kissed. It was a very long one at that. Then we just looked at each other. That was the most vivid dream that I have ever had. ever.

I've been having flashbacks-first of the time in orchestra last year that I described in my last post. Now this, of the dream I had a few months ago. Which I know I posted about on my other blog, but I just thought it would only be right if I posted it on here too. I felt like I had to, I don't know why. I don't know what happened, but I just all of a sudden remembered more of it, and more details. And this is easily the best dream I had ever had; it was like I could feel him there, like it wasn't a dream, but actually happening. But it was only a dream, I do know that. Unfortunately. (;

Peace.

~Victoria.

Forgetful.

"So I'll be waiting for the real thing; I'll know it by the feeling: the moment when we're meeting will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen. So I'll be holdin' my own breath, right up to the end, until that moment when I find the one that I'll spend forever with." ~Nickelback

Do you remember that one day in orchestra last year, when we played together? Finally, I was able to hear you play, since you never let me. You never let anyone hear you play. You're so much better than you think you are, just to let you know. You should play with more confidence, you could easily be in the first chair, if you really wanted to. Maybe bringing your instrument home more often might help. It's just a thought.

But we played it each time faster and faster, pushing ourselves to play it as fast as possible, since we both knew we could play it so much faster, much faster than how we played it during orchestra. And we both knew that both of us wanted it faster. We just knew.

But I'll always remember how you were smiling, which was really the only time when it was just us together that you smiled. We had fun, I'll always remember that. Even you. You didn't talk to anyone else, just me. You didn't turn around, say "Hey." to the cellos like you usually do. It was just us. Which was a nice change, even though there were a whole bunch of other people around us. And it really did feel amazing to play next to you, I don't think you know that. You might never know.

Why can't we push our relationship together like that? Push it to see how far it could go? I feel like I need to know. What's really the point of being together if we can't really be together? There is no point. I need you. End of conversation.

It could either completely fall apart, or it could come together, just like our parts did that one day last year.

We should increase the tempo. Do you even remember that day? Probably not. Maybe you do. But I won't ever find out if you do, will I? Just like you might never know how much that meant to me.

Let's both just live in denial, and care about what other people would think of us being together. So what if we're in different "social groups"? That shouldn't matter. If you truly care about a person, then nothing should get in the way of you two being together.

In Limbo?

It's been a month...A whole month...

He still hasn't said anything. No indication if he noticed it or not. It's more likely not though....

I hate that feeling like you're in the dark, and you don't know what's going on. You don't know what to feel, or if you should even feel anything at all. You want to care for that special person, but at the same time you don't want to waste your time on someone you're not sure would ever care for you and have the same feelings as you do for them.

There's times you feel like you need them that very second you start feeling even the tiniest bit of loneliness. But you know they will never be there to ease your pain. Not now, and probably not ever. But you still carry that little piece of hope in your heart, praying that one day, sometime soon, that he cares. But you don't want to wait any longer. And you can't.

Something is keeping you there with him, you don't know what, but something is telling you that he's hiding his true feelings. Or at least that's what you hope.

Caring for him may have caused you more damage than good, you soon realize. You've been waiting too long, and you've given up too much of your time trying to make him understand. To see that he's one of the only people you trust. You've somehow become numb. Nothing phases you anymore. You almost feel cold-hearted. But he's still one of the only people in your life you care about.

Love? For you it could possibly be. You can't leave him, and it's too hard for you to let him go. Would leaving him help you? Or would it just create more pain, and a bigger hole in your heart? There's only one way to find out...

["Limbo: the state of being disregarded or forgotten."

In limbo? Most definatly.]

Descending.

"And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take. When people run in circles it's a very, very mad world." ~Gary Jules, Mad World.

I just wanted to start out with this: I do not like the cute guy that I saw yesterday. Not even as a crush. Just to clear that up for y'all. I just think he's incredibly hot, but that's basically it. I'm not even sure if we could even carry out a conversation for that long, I've never really talked to him much. And I could never like him even close enough to the other guy. It's just impossible.

Today was another great day. Absolutely amazing.

I haven't written anything in awhile. I hope to write something great this weekend.

Peace.

~Victoria.

Realism.

"Reality continues to ruin my life."

Today was the best day ever. Everything was great; it was absolutely perfect. A day like this hasn't happened in awhile, so this is a great change. :) What went so perfect? Orchestra. In french I actually talked to some friends instead of reading the whole class. Geometry I got all of my french and math homework done while he was doing notes, so now I have no homework. (Lately I've been up till 11 trying to finish homework.) And biology was just easy. Nothing really new. :) And in the passing period between 3rd and 4th periods I saw the cutest guy ever that was in one of my classes last semester. We looked at each other. Oh yeah. :)

I've noticed that my 'best days ever' have included him and I not talking much. Weird.

Peace. :)

~Victoria.

What else can be said, but "Grrr"?

"Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't want to know. If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go. Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming of angels on the moon, where everyone you know never leaves to soon." ~Thriving Ivory, 'Angels on the Moon'.

I don't feel so good. I'm just not sure about anything anymore. And I'm soo tired. Here are two poems I have written in the past few days:

I want to know,
But I’m too afraid.
There’s so much I want to do with you,
So much I feel like I need to say.

You wouldn’t react very well,
That’s how I imagine the worse.
But this might take awhile;
I can’t explain everything very terse.

So as I walk up to you
And see you looking at me,
I can feel the pressure,
It’s not even close to a tolerable degree.

So how will it end?
I guess only time will tell.
But right now I have no clue what I’m feeling,
Though I feel like I’m living in hell.

I have so many mixed emotions,
I have no idea how to deal.
But maybe once I know how you think
The hole in my stomach could finally heal.

And the second:

I finally hate you,
I can finally see the light.
I’m not in a fog anymore,
Everything’s becoming bright.

I can finally see everything,
Both the bad and the good.
You’re not the guy I use to know;
That's what I should have understood.

You’ve become someone different,
Someone I don’t want to know.
I’m in a place I don’t want to be in.
And I just want to go.

I felt the connection from the start,
But I guess there never was one.
But you’re still here,
And I can’t seem to run.

And by the way, the second one is true. Finally, after so long. I somehow feel accomplished. It feels great. :)

Peace.

~Victoria.

A Solitary Disposition.

"And maybe we will do this for the rest of our lives; maybe we will live forever. And maybe we don't have to think it's right, and maybe we will. I don't feel what you feel, I don't want to feel this incomplete. No one here can tell me how to fill this space between. Everyone knows you're my one regret; everyone knows you're my one weakness." ~The Last Goodnight.

I don't want to feel this incomplete.

We all want to be accepted, to be loved by others. But sometimes we don't; sometimes we just want to be alone, to sit in a corner of a dark room and just think. About nothing, or something very profound. Or we want to be in that room, listen to extremely sad songs and just cry, to let everything out that we have been holding in for so long.

Sometimes we have no one to be there for us. And other times we do, but they don't understand. Their kind words just can't comfort you because they don't fully understand you. They can't feel your pain because they haven't experienced it yet. And you hope that one day you find that perfect person that you know you can tell everything to. Who really and truly understands. Someone who is always there for you and will never let you down.

You can never know if they are the one until you take that leap and finally trust them with everything you've been holding in for so long. But you just have to believe, and hope and pray that they really are there for you. Because he is out there, whether you know it or not. And he will find you, one day, before it's too late.

Peace.

~Victoria.

*Note: I wrote this yesterday but I never had a chance to post it. :)*