Reverance.

I wrote this last night:

You're so far away,
where did you go?
I'm disappearing,
I have never felt this low.

I'm falling far away,
somewhere far from here.
You didn't even notice,
this is what I've always feared.

I wanted to say goodbye,
but I was too afraid.
I let it get too far,
and there was nothing left to say.

But now I'm gone,
I've been gone for a long time.
and what I feared most had happened:
I can not call you mine.

And don't worry, this isn't all that true. :)

Peace.

~Victoria.

The Blogs I love:

I have been given the 'I Love Your Blog' award by Jaky. Thank You! :)

Here are the blogs I love:

Taylor

Karl

James

Juhi

Simpleman

Ali

Walking Disaster

and Jaky

~Victoria. :)

Anguish.

"I'm not a perfect person. There's many things I wish I didn't do, but I continue learning. I never meant to do those things to you. And so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know I've found a reason for me, to change who I used to be. A reason to start over new. And the reason is you." ~Hoobastank, "The Reason"

I want to dream. I want to see him in which my subconscious tells me he's like. I want to understand. I have way too much to think about, so many unanswered questions in my head. They need to be answered soon, or I might go insane. He's all I think about. I need to know, and I need to know now. Why do I do this to myself? I torture myself with daydreams with which I know will never happen. Everything I do, hear, see, reminds me of him. This is so frustrating, ridiculous, pathetic. I hate it all; what I think, what I do. And him. But this isn't all his fault; it's mine. I shouldn't have let it get this far, this complicated. I'm probably making this more complicated than it is. It could be much simpler if I told him. But I can't. He just wouldn't understand. Gawd, I love his obliviousness. And his hair, and smile...see? I'm torturing myself right now. But I need him. I really do. "I [am] unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." And I can't do anything about it.

Another snow day. I need to get a hobby. :P

~Victoria.

Fearless.

"This is not what I intended. I always swore to you I'd never fall apart. You always thought that I was stronger. I may have failed but I have loved you from the start." ~Secondhand Serenade.

All I want to do is to be there for you. To be with you. I just want to look into your eyes, and know that you love me like I love you. It's just too complicated; I can't do it. And apparently you can't either. But that's fine with me; it just shows me that you don't and never will care for me.

But what if you do? I will never know, and you might never know that I like you. Not that I care. Even though you are perfect to me, and I will never find anyone better than you. It's nearly impossible for anyone to make me feel the way you make me feel. You're irreplaceable. Perfect in every way. Not that I care about you, though.

i don't love you. so don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say.

But I like you way too much for me to ever let you go. But I don't care anymore. Even though I have this strong feeling that you like me. But it's only a feeling.

But I guess we will never know. You're too oblivious to all the things I've been trying to get you to understand. Which is something else I like about you.

Yes; I have always loved you. And yes; I have fallen apart. But it's not your fault. Just don't worry about me. Not that you ever have.

"It stinks when somebody likes you but you don't like them back."

I was just bored. So don't think I'm going into a menal breakdown over some guy. :) I have no school today, there's a severe weather alert. So I have nothing else to do. And I've been thinking a lot. I was surprised to be able to go to sleep last night (listening to Kid A did help, though. It's the only CD where I can actually concentrate on the music and not have my mind wander. :) But anywho, no school today, which was really stupid. And I really wanted to go to school today. Just gives me something to do so I'm not stuck at home. I can't even go anywhere; supposedly the roads are slippery. Pfft.

Peace.

~Victoria.

I've Been Awarded

I've been awarded a Fabulous Blog Award by Juhi! Thanks! :)

So here are my instructions, and your instructions if you are on my list of fabulous blogs:
1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate blogs which you think are fabulous.
3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
5. Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.

So here are my fabulous blogs:

Taylor
Karl
Simpleman
Ali
James
Neon Duck
and Grey~Eyes

I shall make a new post later. :)

Everyone In Their Right Place..

I wrote this two nights ago:

Just close your eyes,
and count to ten.
Imagine a better place
where your heart could mend.

Where we could be alone,
no one there but us.
We wouldn't need anyone but each other;
our love would be enough.

I trust you with everything,
my life and my heart.
I know you wouldn't break it,
though it could easily break apart.

At least in our world
we don't ever have to leave.
Neither of us would ever get hurt;
All you have to do is believe.

I got the idea from a conversation two girls were having in my class on Friday. They were saying how this one guy wanted to kiss this girl, so his idea was to tell her he wanted to show her something. He was going to tell her to close her eyes and count to ten; the first two lines of the poem. I thought it was so sweet (and I wasn't eavesdropping, by the way. They were talking very loudly :). I just thought it was cute. :)

Peace.

~Victoria.

I've Been Tagged.

I've been tagged by Juhi! :)

1. What is your occupation right now? : student
2. What color are your socks right now? : white
3. What are you listening to right now? : Boats and Birds by Gregory & the Hawk. Finally got it on my ipod last night! :D
4. What was the last thing that you ate? : a turkey sandwich
5. Can you drive a stick shift? : nope
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? : Taylor :)
7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? : no duh, of course! :)
8. How old are you today? : 14
9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? : lacrosse :)
10. What is your favorite drink? : Perrier! :D
11. Have you ever dyed your hair? : nope, probably never will, I love my hair color the way it is :)
12. Favorite food? : white chili! couldn't think of one, but thats we're having for dinner tonight :P
13. What is the last movie you saw? : I think bride wars, but I cant remember :P
14. Favorite day of the year? : idk, don't have one
15. How do you vent anger? : playing very loud music. and crying, I usually cry when I'm mad :(
16. What is your favorite season? : winter! I love cold snowy days (unfortunately that never happens here :(
17. Cherries or Blueberries? : blueberries
18. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? : of course, who wouldn't? :P
19. How many sibs do u have? : only child. I'm a loner :)
20. When was the last time you cried? : a week ago
21. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? : well, to who I'm sending this to is Taylor.
22. What did you do last night? : listened to my ipod
23. What are you most afraid of? : people touching the back of my neck. and spiders.
24. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? : cheese
25. Favorite dog breed? : lhasa apso
26. Favorite day of the week? : thursday
27. How many states have you lived in? : 5
28. Diamonds or pearls? : diamonds
29. What is your favorite flower? : orange roses. they're just different and unique-ish :)

Here's who i tag:

Taylor
Karl
James
Neon Duck
and Ali
That's all I can think of who hasn't already been tagged. :P

Now I'm gonna make a real post. :)

~to be continued..~

Love Hurts.

What is love? There are many dictionary definitions: 1. noun: any object of warm affection or devotion. 2. noun: a strong positive emotion of regard and affection. 3. noun: a beloved person; used as terms of endearment. 4. verb: have a great affection or liking for. My definition:

"Love isn't finding someone you can live with; it's finding someone you can't live without."

The dictionary could never fully define love. No one really can. It's indescribable. Those feelings you feel for that person, it's just so difficult to describe. To feel the real emotion is really hard to do.

But there's just one problem:

i. do. not. love. him.

Sure, I care for him. And I love all of his stupid little quirks and all his imperfections. That's why I like him so much. His eyes, his smile.. But I can't wait anymore. I tried, but I just can't do it.

So I think I'm moving on..

I can't stand the feeling I get when I feel like I need him that very moment, and if he isn't there, I feel like I'm gonna fall into pieces (which he never is there, so I always feel like there's a giant hole in my stomach). But I have thought this through (probably very irrationally, but still, I thought it through). And I think I'm done. It's over. I will still like him, forever and always no doubt, but I'm moving on.

This post sounds very stupid now that I reread it. But it felt good to kinda make the whole 'I'm over him' official. Which I'm not and never will be.

But I'll keep telling myself that, it might make it easier..

Peace.

~Victoria.

Because It's You and Me

"...And all of the people
with nothing to do,
nothing to lose,
and it's you and me, and all of the people
and I don't know why,
I can't keep my eyes off of you.."
~Lifehouse.

I don't know what I was doing last night, but all of a sudden my mind just blanked out for a moment, and I had this amazing need to write something. I just wrote what came to mind, and this is what came out:

This night is so black,
I can barely see.
But I can feel your presence,
It’s almost suffocating me.

Even though I can’t see you
I can feel your heart beat,
Hear your breathing,
Yet you’re still not close enough to me.

I need to feel you,
So that I know that you’re there.
This moment may never come again,
It feels so rare.

So we go take a walk
Though we can’t even see.
But I trust you to lead us,
To show the path to me.

We can talk about nothing,
For hours on end.
I want to tell you everything,
Maybe my heart you could mend.

It’s been broken before,
Believe it or not, by you.
But now that I know,
This feeling seems so new.

Now that you’re here,
I need you to stay.
I can’t be alone,
Not even for one more day.

But now the path is ending,
And the sun is rising,
And we look at each other one last time;
With you, my pain is finally easing.

I love it, it's now my second-favorite poem (my favorite is still the one in English I wrote (;) I like it, and I don't care what y'all think, I still love it. :)

Here is another one, one of the last ones I wrote:

I just can’t take it,
But I can’t show you my fears.
It doesn’t even matter anymore,
I can’t stop these tears.

I’m too afraid,
I can’t be alone.
I need to talk to you,
But I can’t pick up the phone.

You wouldn’t even answer,
No matter how much I needed you.
You shouldn’t care about me,
But you might if you knew.

That there’s nothing I can do
To help me go to sleep.
You’re the reason I cry.
I have fallen in too deep.

But in the end nothing matters,
And when everything’s going wrong,
The only thing that calms me anymore
Is listening to your favorite song.

Peace.

~Victoria.

It's Not Too Late, It's Never Too Late

Here are three more:

Staring blankly at the walls
I can not believe where I am.
How did I get here?
Has this always been the plan?

Why did we come here?
I feel so lost.
Do you still think this was such a good idea?
If so, don't you realize the cost?

There is no hope
in this bleak, desolate town.
I feel so worthless.
I have a permanent frown.

I just want to move,
to be anywhere but here.
I don't feel safe.
Now I'm always living in fear.

The second:

I trust you so much,
Just take away the pain.
I will do anything
just to keep me sane.

Why do you do this?
Can't you make up your mind?
Sometimes you're so cruel,
but when you're not, you are too kind.

That's why I still talk to you,
you are like my addiction.
You help me through everything,
but am I the only one who feels this friction?

You mean too much to me
for me to let you go.
Sure, at one point I loved you,
but now you need to know.

You've hurt me too many times.
I've felt too much pain.
You never truly loved me.
I've lost too much to regain.

And the third:

I haven’t been able to sleep,
I can’t help but think of you.
I’m not sure where this could lead us.
I wonder if you feel the same way as I do.

What if you don’t understand.
I don’t know how I could live.
I just wouldn’t be me,
Even though you take more than you give.

You just mean so much.
I feel as if you’re in my head.
The main reason why I’m still alive;
Without you I’d probably be dead.

I want to tell you everything,
You’re the only person I could tell.
From what I felt when I first moved here
To now, my life a living hell.

Just please, listen to me.
Take away this blade.
I could not live without you.
I would surely fade.

I have two more that I'm gonna post later, probably tomorrow.

Peace.

~Victoria.

I Need Some Sleep

"I need some sleep.
I can’t go on like this.
I try counting sheep,
But there’s one I always miss."
~The Eels

Here are the next two I did. I remember writing them both at the same time, so I'll post them together:

As I walk through the halls
I see your face in the crowd.
Your bright blue eyes staring back at me,
they seem to be screaming so loud.

I want to be able to tell you,
I just want to feel your touch.
But I don't think you'd understand.
I just love you way too much.

Even though I don't know if you truly love me,
You are the most trustworthy person I know.
I don't know what I would do without you.
What would happen to me if you were to go?

I wouldn't be able to survive
Without your eyes shining back at me.
Should I tell you how I feel?
Or should I just leave that up to destiny?

I think I will tell you what you mean to me,
I want to know what you have to say.
Do you truly love me?
If not, my world will turn to grey.

And the second:

These feelings I have for you can never go away,
You'll always have a special place in my heart.
I now know what you meant to me
Now that we're so far apart.

I'll never know if you liked me,
I never had a chance to ask.
Since I moved away from you
Finding out has been my task.

I've replayed conversations over and over,
Trying to remember the fun times we've had.
But not once can I remember
You ever making me mad.

You were perfect to me,
I'll never have a doubt.
Did you even know I existed?
I guess I'll never find out.

And then I wrote this one the next night. It kinda goes with the other two, so I'll just post them all together:

Why couldn't you make that promise?
The one that counted most of all.
What would I do without you?
Without you I would surely fall.

Who would I tell everything to
if you were to go?
I have almost no one left in my life;
I have too many foes.

You mean everything to me
whether you know it or not.
You may not think you're special.
Has this always been your plot?

You may have done some stupid things
but that does not mean you are so.
You may think you're a no one,
but I would be nothing if you were to go.

When I first started writing, which was only a month ago, I would write at least three a night. I couldn't sleep right for at least two weeks; I would go to bed around three and then wake up at six. I think it was because I was thinking too much, all of my thoughts running together. I needed a way to get all of my thoughts organized. So when I was cleaning out my closet (which I should probably do again, it is such a mess), I found the poem that I wrote last year in English. I rewrote and rephrased some of it, it was still almost the exact same as it was, and it sounded pretty awesome. So I posted it on my old blog. Which lead to me writing some more. (14 poems, to be exact. Then another thing, not a poem, but it's really long :)

Peace.

~Victoria.

How It All Began.

Here's the first poem I wrote. It was for a project in english last year:

I looked out my window,
the sky turning black.
The frustration and anger
that made me hold back.

I wanted to tell him,
to tell him the truth.
I wanted to show him
how much he made me hurt.

I looked away, remembering the pain,
the blood boiling throughout my veins.
I took a walk to shake off the anger.
I didn't think I could take it any longer.

But then I saw him, his face in my head,
I'm thinking of all the fun we used to have.
I missed it all, but mostly him.
Without him, my world turned dim.

I plan on re-posting everything on here, meaning everything I wrote and posted on my last blog. So for awhile everything might seem extremely repetitive. Sorry. :P

Peace.

~Victoria.

Nothing Gold Can Stay.

First official post. I really wanted to post this:

Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

I love that poem so much. I googled it and found the wikipedia page on it. Here's what it said:

"Robert Frost's poem at a glance seems to talk about nature and the changing of the seasons, however when broken down it seems as though the poem is saying that when you are young everything is new (gold) and once you start growing up and your imagination fades does everything become old or normal(green). Also, the line- 'Then leaf subsides to leaf.' means 'to become like others (normal).

Also, it means the first time you do or see something its one of the greatest things(gold). and its hard to make it stay that way. (her hardest hue to hold) her early leaf's a flower means that in the beginning its great/beautiful, but not for a long time. Then leaf subsides to leaf, things start to become normal, eden sank to grief, got sad."

It has a great meaning to it. I absolutely love it.

Peace.

~Victoria

A New Beginning..

Some of you may know me, some of you may not. You may remember me at: http://tylormademedothis.blogspot.com. Yes, I created a new account. I tried to import my blog, but that didn't really work out...so I decided to just create a totally different one with a new account. Call me OCD, but I couldn't stand seeing it on the main page. I like just having one blog at a time, to just focus on it. And my earlier posts on my old blog were really irritating me. I think differently now. Like I didn't used to believe in love...but now it's basically all I can think about. I still have my trust issues, and I still like him. Nothing is going to be really different from my old one, just my ideas will be different and I won't post much on my monotonous day. Or I'll at least try not to. (;

I'll make a better post tomorrow. :)

Peace.

~Victoria.