I think I'm done...

There's really no point in me blogging anymore, nothing is happening, and to be honest, I'm pretty tired of it. So, for now, I say goodbye to you guys.

"Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know. If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go. Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon. Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon..."

Peace.

Everything about you is so easy to love.

I just got a headache from thinking about him...

Screw this, I'm miserable. And I think I've found someone else, and I could actually tell this guy that I like him. And I think he likes me, but I'm not positive yet. He's the complete opposite, and he looks at me like he actually cares about me, not telling me that everyone hates me, and that no one wants me here. He looks at me with so much care in his eyes. No one has ever looked at me like that before. And he cares about me, I know he does.

I love every little thing you do..

I promise I'm never gonna blog about him again, and no more about my non-existent "life". I'm done. This time, finally, I really am.

Emptiness.

"I can’t take the pressure. No one cares if you live or die, they just want me gone."

-Thom Yorke

I'm sorry I haven't been posting much, it's just nothings been going on...

:(

Peace.

I'll Love You Endlessly.

"How did it end up like this?" ~The Killers

Orchestra went very well today. Except I sucked because I got new strings put on my violin yesterday so everything I played sounded horribly out of tune. Oh well.

Next week we're hosting the middle school UIL. Which will be fun. Hopefully.

I want to do something. About him. And I've come to a conclusion. About him. And I will do something about it. Next week? Maybe, maybe not. But I am. I promise. That's basically the only reason for this post.

Tomorrow's the last day of February. And it was 90° yesterday. Because y'all just needed that insight in my life.

I think I'll shut up now.

Peace.

Qu'est-ce qui est arrivé?*

"I love you like the stars above, I love you till I die."

-The Killers

I was debating with myself (yes, I know that is not healthy), whether or not to post this. But I decided to, it is my blog anyway. You guys are probably gonna freak out, just please don't, I'm perfectly sane. Really, I was just bored in french.

I'm falling away,
with nowhere to go,
this darkness is so heavy
this death is so slow.

There is no pain,
you can't show any emotion.
You feel like you're drowning
in a dark, deep blue ocean.

It is so calm,
but you just want to leave.
You can't be here,
you don't even believe.

You just feel lonely,
and you don't feel right.
Here there is only darkness,
there is no light.

Again, I am sane, just don't worry about me. :)

This really has been one of the worst weeks ever. Except pre-UIL went good, and we should do better for the actual UIL, which is in two weeks! :O

And about the last post: I do feel better now, but I'm still confused about him, he's been a real bastard lately. I'm just not sure anymore.

*What happened?

Peace.

Irritation.

"Cause you're my true love, my whole heart, please don't throw that away. I'm here for you. Please don't walk away, please tell me you'll stay." ~The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Today:

WORST. DAY. EVER.

I really wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Yeah, it was that bad.

I'm pissed off, confused, hurt, angry, mad, sad, and sick. Of course I'm sick before pre-UIL, everything goes wrong when we're about to go to a competition. I felt like I was going to throw up during orchestra today so I couldn't really concentrate, I was too busy trying not to honk all over the orchestra room.

I hate him right now, after this weekend my whole view on him went into the crapper. Now I like this other guy. I want a guy who has his looks but the other guy's personality. Shit.

You're probably wondering what went wrong. He's just become a(n) [insert bad word here]. I don't even know what happened to him. I miss the guy that I first met when I came here.

I love you. I miss you. You're the only person I want, ever will want. I want you back.

Agitation.

~Victoria.

Sleep Deprivation.

"Non, Anne prend son scooter!"

Yes, I know it's 5:30 in the morning. Yes, I know I should be asleep like normal people usually are at this time in the morning. But I feel like I could run a mile right now. Why? I have no fricken clue.

I had this creepy-weird dream, which I guess really pissed me off. So now I'm pissed off, and I can't sleep.

I thought coming here would help. Nope, not much. Then I went to Myspace. Yeah, not the best of ideas either. I was hoping someone would be on, then I realized, "Hey, it's 5 in the morning, shouldn't they be asleep?"

:(

Sorry, this is a weird post, I know. Especially the quote. That was a question from french, it means "No, Anne is taking her scooter!" or something like that. Now I can't remember what "pendre" means. It's too late to go to sleep now. :(

I'm fine, really, I am.

Oh, and one last thing: It said taurus' had a dreamy sexy voice. But isn't he a taurus?

Peace.

Beautiful Day

"Is this my final chance of getting you? On and on from the moment I wake, to the moment I sleep I'll be there by your side; just you try and stop me. I'll be waiting in line, just to see if you care." ~Coldplay.

Really really boring week so far. I haven't written anything in awhile. I have been working on something, but I haven't been able to get it perfect yet. Orchestra sucked. It wasn't even just me, it was everybody. And UIL's only in a week. No pressure, right? :P

I did practice today though, which I guess was kinda good.

A lot of people have asked me today if I was okay. Which was weird, because I am. I'm just really tired. How come no one asks me if I'm okay when I'm not?

:)

Peace.

Happy Singles Awareness Day...

"I know you aren't worth it. Now if only my heart would believe it."

I really hate Valentine's Day. Really. Maybe I wouldn't hate it as much if I actually had someone to celebrate it with. Maybe. Why do you need a day to tell someone you love them? You should do it every day, no matter what, and make every day special with them.

I took this quiz on Blogthings, the "What's You Valentine's Day Personality" quiz. Haha?

Your Valentine's Day Personality is Cynical
You really, truly hate Valentine's Day. It's your least favorite day of the year.You think Valentine's Day is fake, tacky, over the top, and meant to make single people feel bad.You realize that Valentine's Day is a holiday that only benefits companies... not couples.You know that real love is not about teddy bears and roses, and you feel like the holiday cheapens emotions.

Was it right answering the last question as "Bite Me"? (;

So happy Valentine's Day, or happy Singles Awareness Day, depending how you're going to spend today or who you're going to spend it with.

Peace.

I Just Love You.

"This is my way of saying goodbye, because I can't do it fact to face. So I'm talking to you before, no matter what happens now. I won't be afraid because I know today has been the most perfect day I have ever seen." ~Radiohead.

He knows. And it's very scary to think that. I think he understood, that's why he's been looking at me funny for the past few weeks. Well, he looks at everyone funny, but that's besides the point.

It's an educated guess; I'm not positive. But he might know. I always felt like I wanted him to, but now that he might, it just feels weird. I think I prefer him not knowing, but I realize that maybe I don't. I really don't know; I'm so confused right now. Why? Why do I have to like the only guy who wouldn't tell me if he liked me if he did? Why me? And why him? Why did he have to be the first person I met here? And most importantly: What is it about him that makes me like him? I know: "Write down all of the things you hate about him, and you'll soon realize that all of those are what you truly love about him". I hate that so much. Because it's so true.

I don't feel like I have any control over this. Which I know I could, but do I really? What if I mess up my only chance of telling him? I need to take that risk. But I can't. And obviously he can't either, if he knows.

Peace.

You're All I Have.

"Do you know, that everyday's the first of the rest of your life."~Thriving Ivory

I hate that song so much, but I still love it...

Here are three more that I've written in the last few days:

The first one I wrote two days ago because I was very pissed off. It's a long story, which I really don't want to get into. Okay, it's not a long story, I just don't want to talk about it right now. It's not about him, but another guy I used to really like before I moved here:

I cannot believe you,
You’ve let me down.
I thought more from you;
Maybe I should drown.

You never cared,
I was never in you heart.
Moving was the best thing that could have happened;
I’m glad that we’re apart.

Maybe if we were closer,
That would have changed your mind.
But I’m not sure if we could have been anything;
I feel deaf and blind.

Maybe I should go,
Since that’s what you probably want.
I feel like I’m losing everything;
I wish we could have fought.

It might have made everything easier,
Maybe easier to let you go.
No one has ever made me feel this hurt before,
I really just want you to know.

There's one good thing that happened because I left;
I’ve found someone new.
He means so much more to me,
More then you ever could.

The next one I wrote during Geometry; I was extremely bored and already finished my homework. I was praying the whole time that he wasn't going to collect the homework from the night before, because I doodled all over it and that's where I wrote this (thankfully he didn't :)

You were someone I could trust;
Someone who was always there.
You didn’t change like everyone else did,
But if you did I wouldn’t care.

I already feel like you aren’t the same,
No matter what I do it’s not enough.
And no matter how much I cry,
I realize you’re not someone I could love.

I want you to be the one,
Who loves me with all of my faults.
Because you’re the only one who’s perfect to me,
You’re the only one I want.

I don’t care what everyone else thinks,
But apparently you do.
Which is what makes me think you’ve changed;
I know this isn’t the real you.

And the last one I wrote last night. It's not really about anything, nothing that's about me, anyway:

She looks at him like she doesn’t know him,
Like she’s embarrassed to be seen.
But is she really guilty?
Or did she just not want to create a scene?

The guilt is still there,
Along with the pain.
But she had to get away from him,
It was the only way to keep herself sane.

She broke his heart,
But she just wanted to feel loved.
She needed someone who understood her,
But the damage was too deep to be undone.

He really did love her,
But he knew what he said was fueled with hate.
He wanted to take everything back,
But he knew it was already too late.

He missed her so much,
And she knew she missed him.
But she wouldn’t be able to take it,
She knew their future together looked grim.

But as she passes him,
He doesn’t look up in spite.
She feels like he had hit her again;
Nothing can be said to make everything right.

You know what I really want to do right now? I want to go sit outside Barnes and Noble, and people watch. Creepy, right? But I just think it would be fun to just think up a story of someone who you've never met before, and only have seen, never talked to before. Then just write something; a poem, story. Kind of like the last one I wrote. But about a real person. That would be fun.

Peace.

Only A Dream?

"This time I wonder what it feels like to find the one in this life; the one we all dream of. But dreams just aren't enough."~Nickelback

We were in world geography, the only class from last semester that I actually miss. We were talking to our friend, the one who always calls him gay. Then she left with our other friend; she just got up and left, kind of like it was planned, leaving just the two of us together with only a few other people in the room around us, but they weren't paying any attention to us. We stood up, I don't remember why, and we were just looking at each other. Then we were talking. I don't remember about what, but I do remember we were both smiling. He almost looked like he was thinking about something, like he had something on his mind. Then he leaned down. And we kissed. It was a very long one at that. Then we just looked at each other. That was the most vivid dream that I have ever had. ever.

I've been having flashbacks-first of the time in orchestra last year that I described in my last post. Now this, of the dream I had a few months ago. Which I know I posted about on my other blog, but I just thought it would only be right if I posted it on here too. I felt like I had to, I don't know why. I don't know what happened, but I just all of a sudden remembered more of it, and more details. And this is easily the best dream I had ever had; it was like I could feel him there, like it wasn't a dream, but actually happening. But it was only a dream, I do know that. Unfortunately. (;

Peace.

~Victoria.

Forgetful.

"So I'll be waiting for the real thing; I'll know it by the feeling: the moment when we're meeting will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen. So I'll be holdin' my own breath, right up to the end, until that moment when I find the one that I'll spend forever with." ~Nickelback

Do you remember that one day in orchestra last year, when we played together? Finally, I was able to hear you play, since you never let me. You never let anyone hear you play. You're so much better than you think you are, just to let you know. You should play with more confidence, you could easily be in the first chair, if you really wanted to. Maybe bringing your instrument home more often might help. It's just a thought.

But we played it each time faster and faster, pushing ourselves to play it as fast as possible, since we both knew we could play it so much faster, much faster than how we played it during orchestra. And we both knew that both of us wanted it faster. We just knew.

But I'll always remember how you were smiling, which was really the only time when it was just us together that you smiled. We had fun, I'll always remember that. Even you. You didn't talk to anyone else, just me. You didn't turn around, say "Hey." to the cellos like you usually do. It was just us. Which was a nice change, even though there were a whole bunch of other people around us. And it really did feel amazing to play next to you, I don't think you know that. You might never know.

Why can't we push our relationship together like that? Push it to see how far it could go? I feel like I need to know. What's really the point of being together if we can't really be together? There is no point. I need you. End of conversation.

It could either completely fall apart, or it could come together, just like our parts did that one day last year.

We should increase the tempo. Do you even remember that day? Probably not. Maybe you do. But I won't ever find out if you do, will I? Just like you might never know how much that meant to me.

Let's both just live in denial, and care about what other people would think of us being together. So what if we're in different "social groups"? That shouldn't matter. If you truly care about a person, then nothing should get in the way of you two being together.

In Limbo?

It's been a month...A whole month...

He still hasn't said anything. No indication if he noticed it or not. It's more likely not though....

I hate that feeling like you're in the dark, and you don't know what's going on. You don't know what to feel, or if you should even feel anything at all. You want to care for that special person, but at the same time you don't want to waste your time on someone you're not sure would ever care for you and have the same feelings as you do for them.

There's times you feel like you need them that very second you start feeling even the tiniest bit of loneliness. But you know they will never be there to ease your pain. Not now, and probably not ever. But you still carry that little piece of hope in your heart, praying that one day, sometime soon, that he cares. But you don't want to wait any longer. And you can't.

Something is keeping you there with him, you don't know what, but something is telling you that he's hiding his true feelings. Or at least that's what you hope.

Caring for him may have caused you more damage than good, you soon realize. You've been waiting too long, and you've given up too much of your time trying to make him understand. To see that he's one of the only people you trust. You've somehow become numb. Nothing phases you anymore. You almost feel cold-hearted. But he's still one of the only people in your life you care about.

Love? For you it could possibly be. You can't leave him, and it's too hard for you to let him go. Would leaving him help you? Or would it just create more pain, and a bigger hole in your heart? There's only one way to find out...

["Limbo: the state of being disregarded or forgotten."

In limbo? Most definatly.]

Descending.

"And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take. When people run in circles it's a very, very mad world." ~Gary Jules, Mad World.

I just wanted to start out with this: I do not like the cute guy that I saw yesterday. Not even as a crush. Just to clear that up for y'all. I just think he's incredibly hot, but that's basically it. I'm not even sure if we could even carry out a conversation for that long, I've never really talked to him much. And I could never like him even close enough to the other guy. It's just impossible.

Today was another great day. Absolutely amazing.

I haven't written anything in awhile. I hope to write something great this weekend.

Peace.

~Victoria.

Realism.

"Reality continues to ruin my life."

Today was the best day ever. Everything was great; it was absolutely perfect. A day like this hasn't happened in awhile, so this is a great change. :) What went so perfect? Orchestra. In french I actually talked to some friends instead of reading the whole class. Geometry I got all of my french and math homework done while he was doing notes, so now I have no homework. (Lately I've been up till 11 trying to finish homework.) And biology was just easy. Nothing really new. :) And in the passing period between 3rd and 4th periods I saw the cutest guy ever that was in one of my classes last semester. We looked at each other. Oh yeah. :)

I've noticed that my 'best days ever' have included him and I not talking much. Weird.

Peace. :)

~Victoria.

What else can be said, but "Grrr"?

"Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't want to know. If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go. Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming of angels on the moon, where everyone you know never leaves to soon." ~Thriving Ivory, 'Angels on the Moon'.

I don't feel so good. I'm just not sure about anything anymore. And I'm soo tired. Here are two poems I have written in the past few days:

I want to know,
But I’m too afraid.
There’s so much I want to do with you,
So much I feel like I need to say.

You wouldn’t react very well,
That’s how I imagine the worse.
But this might take awhile;
I can’t explain everything very terse.

So as I walk up to you
And see you looking at me,
I can feel the pressure,
It’s not even close to a tolerable degree.

So how will it end?
I guess only time will tell.
But right now I have no clue what I’m feeling,
Though I feel like I’m living in hell.

I have so many mixed emotions,
I have no idea how to deal.
But maybe once I know how you think
The hole in my stomach could finally heal.

And the second:

I finally hate you,
I can finally see the light.
I’m not in a fog anymore,
Everything’s becoming bright.

I can finally see everything,
Both the bad and the good.
You’re not the guy I use to know;
That's what I should have understood.

You’ve become someone different,
Someone I don’t want to know.
I’m in a place I don’t want to be in.
And I just want to go.

I felt the connection from the start,
But I guess there never was one.
But you’re still here,
And I can’t seem to run.

And by the way, the second one is true. Finally, after so long. I somehow feel accomplished. It feels great. :)

Peace.

~Victoria.

A Solitary Disposition.

"And maybe we will do this for the rest of our lives; maybe we will live forever. And maybe we don't have to think it's right, and maybe we will. I don't feel what you feel, I don't want to feel this incomplete. No one here can tell me how to fill this space between. Everyone knows you're my one regret; everyone knows you're my one weakness." ~The Last Goodnight.

I don't want to feel this incomplete.

We all want to be accepted, to be loved by others. But sometimes we don't; sometimes we just want to be alone, to sit in a corner of a dark room and just think. About nothing, or something very profound. Or we want to be in that room, listen to extremely sad songs and just cry, to let everything out that we have been holding in for so long.

Sometimes we have no one to be there for us. And other times we do, but they don't understand. Their kind words just can't comfort you because they don't fully understand you. They can't feel your pain because they haven't experienced it yet. And you hope that one day you find that perfect person that you know you can tell everything to. Who really and truly understands. Someone who is always there for you and will never let you down.

You can never know if they are the one until you take that leap and finally trust them with everything you've been holding in for so long. But you just have to believe, and hope and pray that they really are there for you. Because he is out there, whether you know it or not. And he will find you, one day, before it's too late.

Peace.

~Victoria.

*Note: I wrote this yesterday but I never had a chance to post it. :)*

Reverance.

I wrote this last night:

You're so far away,
where did you go?
I'm disappearing,
I have never felt this low.

I'm falling far away,
somewhere far from here.
You didn't even notice,
this is what I've always feared.

I wanted to say goodbye,
but I was too afraid.
I let it get too far,
and there was nothing left to say.

But now I'm gone,
I've been gone for a long time.
and what I feared most had happened:
I can not call you mine.

And don't worry, this isn't all that true. :)

Peace.

~Victoria.

The Blogs I love:

I have been given the 'I Love Your Blog' award by Jaky. Thank You! :)

Here are the blogs I love:

Taylor

Karl

James

Juhi

Simpleman

Ali

Walking Disaster

and Jaky

~Victoria. :)

Anguish.

"I'm not a perfect person. There's many things I wish I didn't do, but I continue learning. I never meant to do those things to you. And so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know I've found a reason for me, to change who I used to be. A reason to start over new. And the reason is you." ~Hoobastank, "The Reason"

I want to dream. I want to see him in which my subconscious tells me he's like. I want to understand. I have way too much to think about, so many unanswered questions in my head. They need to be answered soon, or I might go insane. He's all I think about. I need to know, and I need to know now. Why do I do this to myself? I torture myself with daydreams with which I know will never happen. Everything I do, hear, see, reminds me of him. This is so frustrating, ridiculous, pathetic. I hate it all; what I think, what I do. And him. But this isn't all his fault; it's mine. I shouldn't have let it get this far, this complicated. I'm probably making this more complicated than it is. It could be much simpler if I told him. But I can't. He just wouldn't understand. Gawd, I love his obliviousness. And his hair, and smile...see? I'm torturing myself right now. But I need him. I really do. "I [am] unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." And I can't do anything about it.

Another snow day. I need to get a hobby. :P

~Victoria.

Fearless.

"This is not what I intended. I always swore to you I'd never fall apart. You always thought that I was stronger. I may have failed but I have loved you from the start." ~Secondhand Serenade.

All I want to do is to be there for you. To be with you. I just want to look into your eyes, and know that you love me like I love you. It's just too complicated; I can't do it. And apparently you can't either. But that's fine with me; it just shows me that you don't and never will care for me.

But what if you do? I will never know, and you might never know that I like you. Not that I care. Even though you are perfect to me, and I will never find anyone better than you. It's nearly impossible for anyone to make me feel the way you make me feel. You're irreplaceable. Perfect in every way. Not that I care about you, though.

i don't love you. so don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say.

But I like you way too much for me to ever let you go. But I don't care anymore. Even though I have this strong feeling that you like me. But it's only a feeling.

But I guess we will never know. You're too oblivious to all the things I've been trying to get you to understand. Which is something else I like about you.

Yes; I have always loved you. And yes; I have fallen apart. But it's not your fault. Just don't worry about me. Not that you ever have.

"It stinks when somebody likes you but you don't like them back."

I was just bored. So don't think I'm going into a menal breakdown over some guy. :) I have no school today, there's a severe weather alert. So I have nothing else to do. And I've been thinking a lot. I was surprised to be able to go to sleep last night (listening to Kid A did help, though. It's the only CD where I can actually concentrate on the music and not have my mind wander. :) But anywho, no school today, which was really stupid. And I really wanted to go to school today. Just gives me something to do so I'm not stuck at home. I can't even go anywhere; supposedly the roads are slippery. Pfft.

Peace.

~Victoria.

I've Been Awarded

I've been awarded a Fabulous Blog Award by Juhi! Thanks! :)

So here are my instructions, and your instructions if you are on my list of fabulous blogs:
1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate blogs which you think are fabulous.
3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
5. Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.

So here are my fabulous blogs:

Taylor
Karl
Simpleman
Ali
James
Neon Duck
and Grey~Eyes

I shall make a new post later. :)

Everyone In Their Right Place..

I wrote this two nights ago:

Just close your eyes,
and count to ten.
Imagine a better place
where your heart could mend.

Where we could be alone,
no one there but us.
We wouldn't need anyone but each other;
our love would be enough.

I trust you with everything,
my life and my heart.
I know you wouldn't break it,
though it could easily break apart.

At least in our world
we don't ever have to leave.
Neither of us would ever get hurt;
All you have to do is believe.

I got the idea from a conversation two girls were having in my class on Friday. They were saying how this one guy wanted to kiss this girl, so his idea was to tell her he wanted to show her something. He was going to tell her to close her eyes and count to ten; the first two lines of the poem. I thought it was so sweet (and I wasn't eavesdropping, by the way. They were talking very loudly :). I just thought it was cute. :)

Peace.

~Victoria.

I've Been Tagged.

I've been tagged by Juhi! :)

1. What is your occupation right now? : student
2. What color are your socks right now? : white
3. What are you listening to right now? : Boats and Birds by Gregory & the Hawk. Finally got it on my ipod last night! :D
4. What was the last thing that you ate? : a turkey sandwich
5. Can you drive a stick shift? : nope
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? : Taylor :)
7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? : no duh, of course! :)
8. How old are you today? : 14
9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? : lacrosse :)
10. What is your favorite drink? : Perrier! :D
11. Have you ever dyed your hair? : nope, probably never will, I love my hair color the way it is :)
12. Favorite food? : white chili! couldn't think of one, but thats we're having for dinner tonight :P
13. What is the last movie you saw? : I think bride wars, but I cant remember :P
14. Favorite day of the year? : idk, don't have one
15. How do you vent anger? : playing very loud music. and crying, I usually cry when I'm mad :(
16. What is your favorite season? : winter! I love cold snowy days (unfortunately that never happens here :(
17. Cherries or Blueberries? : blueberries
18. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? : of course, who wouldn't? :P
19. How many sibs do u have? : only child. I'm a loner :)
20. When was the last time you cried? : a week ago
21. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? : well, to who I'm sending this to is Taylor.
22. What did you do last night? : listened to my ipod
23. What are you most afraid of? : people touching the back of my neck. and spiders.
24. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? : cheese
25. Favorite dog breed? : lhasa apso
26. Favorite day of the week? : thursday
27. How many states have you lived in? : 5
28. Diamonds or pearls? : diamonds
29. What is your favorite flower? : orange roses. they're just different and unique-ish :)

Here's who i tag:

Taylor
Karl
James
Neon Duck
and Ali
That's all I can think of who hasn't already been tagged. :P

Now I'm gonna make a real post. :)

~to be continued..~

Love Hurts.

What is love? There are many dictionary definitions: 1. noun: any object of warm affection or devotion. 2. noun: a strong positive emotion of regard and affection. 3. noun: a beloved person; used as terms of endearment. 4. verb: have a great affection or liking for. My definition:

"Love isn't finding someone you can live with; it's finding someone you can't live without."

The dictionary could never fully define love. No one really can. It's indescribable. Those feelings you feel for that person, it's just so difficult to describe. To feel the real emotion is really hard to do.

But there's just one problem:

i. do. not. love. him.

Sure, I care for him. And I love all of his stupid little quirks and all his imperfections. That's why I like him so much. His eyes, his smile.. But I can't wait anymore. I tried, but I just can't do it.

So I think I'm moving on..

I can't stand the feeling I get when I feel like I need him that very moment, and if he isn't there, I feel like I'm gonna fall into pieces (which he never is there, so I always feel like there's a giant hole in my stomach). But I have thought this through (probably very irrationally, but still, I thought it through). And I think I'm done. It's over. I will still like him, forever and always no doubt, but I'm moving on.

This post sounds very stupid now that I reread it. But it felt good to kinda make the whole 'I'm over him' official. Which I'm not and never will be.

But I'll keep telling myself that, it might make it easier..

Peace.

~Victoria.

Because It's You and Me

"...And all of the people
with nothing to do,
nothing to lose,
and it's you and me, and all of the people
and I don't know why,
I can't keep my eyes off of you.."
~Lifehouse.

I don't know what I was doing last night, but all of a sudden my mind just blanked out for a moment, and I had this amazing need to write something. I just wrote what came to mind, and this is what came out:

This night is so black,
I can barely see.
But I can feel your presence,
It’s almost suffocating me.

Even though I can’t see you
I can feel your heart beat,
Hear your breathing,
Yet you’re still not close enough to me.

I need to feel you,
So that I know that you’re there.
This moment may never come again,
It feels so rare.

So we go take a walk
Though we can’t even see.
But I trust you to lead us,
To show the path to me.

We can talk about nothing,
For hours on end.
I want to tell you everything,
Maybe my heart you could mend.

It’s been broken before,
Believe it or not, by you.
But now that I know,
This feeling seems so new.

Now that you’re here,
I need you to stay.
I can’t be alone,
Not even for one more day.

But now the path is ending,
And the sun is rising,
And we look at each other one last time;
With you, my pain is finally easing.

I love it, it's now my second-favorite poem (my favorite is still the one in English I wrote (;) I like it, and I don't care what y'all think, I still love it. :)

Here is another one, one of the last ones I wrote:

I just can’t take it,
But I can’t show you my fears.
It doesn’t even matter anymore,
I can’t stop these tears.

I’m too afraid,
I can’t be alone.
I need to talk to you,
But I can’t pick up the phone.

You wouldn’t even answer,
No matter how much I needed you.
You shouldn’t care about me,
But you might if you knew.

That there’s nothing I can do
To help me go to sleep.
You’re the reason I cry.
I have fallen in too deep.

But in the end nothing matters,
And when everything’s going wrong,
The only thing that calms me anymore
Is listening to your favorite song.

Peace.

~Victoria.

It's Not Too Late, It's Never Too Late

Here are three more:

Staring blankly at the walls
I can not believe where I am.
How did I get here?
Has this always been the plan?

Why did we come here?
I feel so lost.
Do you still think this was such a good idea?
If so, don't you realize the cost?

There is no hope
in this bleak, desolate town.
I feel so worthless.
I have a permanent frown.

I just want to move,
to be anywhere but here.
I don't feel safe.
Now I'm always living in fear.

The second:

I trust you so much,
Just take away the pain.
I will do anything
just to keep me sane.

Why do you do this?
Can't you make up your mind?
Sometimes you're so cruel,
but when you're not, you are too kind.

That's why I still talk to you,
you are like my addiction.
You help me through everything,
but am I the only one who feels this friction?

You mean too much to me
for me to let you go.
Sure, at one point I loved you,
but now you need to know.

You've hurt me too many times.
I've felt too much pain.
You never truly loved me.
I've lost too much to regain.

And the third:

I haven’t been able to sleep,
I can’t help but think of you.
I’m not sure where this could lead us.
I wonder if you feel the same way as I do.

What if you don’t understand.
I don’t know how I could live.
I just wouldn’t be me,
Even though you take more than you give.

You just mean so much.
I feel as if you’re in my head.
The main reason why I’m still alive;
Without you I’d probably be dead.

I want to tell you everything,
You’re the only person I could tell.
From what I felt when I first moved here
To now, my life a living hell.

Just please, listen to me.
Take away this blade.
I could not live without you.
I would surely fade.

I have two more that I'm gonna post later, probably tomorrow.

Peace.

~Victoria.

I Need Some Sleep

"I need some sleep.
I can’t go on like this.
I try counting sheep,
But there’s one I always miss."
~The Eels

Here are the next two I did. I remember writing them both at the same time, so I'll post them together:

As I walk through the halls
I see your face in the crowd.
Your bright blue eyes staring back at me,
they seem to be screaming so loud.

I want to be able to tell you,
I just want to feel your touch.
But I don't think you'd understand.
I just love you way too much.

Even though I don't know if you truly love me,
You are the most trustworthy person I know.
I don't know what I would do without you.
What would happen to me if you were to go?

I wouldn't be able to survive
Without your eyes shining back at me.
Should I tell you how I feel?
Or should I just leave that up to destiny?

I think I will tell you what you mean to me,
I want to know what you have to say.
Do you truly love me?
If not, my world will turn to grey.

And the second:

These feelings I have for you can never go away,
You'll always have a special place in my heart.
I now know what you meant to me
Now that we're so far apart.

I'll never know if you liked me,
I never had a chance to ask.
Since I moved away from you
Finding out has been my task.

I've replayed conversations over and over,
Trying to remember the fun times we've had.
But not once can I remember
You ever making me mad.

You were perfect to me,
I'll never have a doubt.
Did you even know I existed?
I guess I'll never find out.

And then I wrote this one the next night. It kinda goes with the other two, so I'll just post them all together:

Why couldn't you make that promise?
The one that counted most of all.
What would I do without you?
Without you I would surely fall.

Who would I tell everything to
if you were to go?
I have almost no one left in my life;
I have too many foes.

You mean everything to me
whether you know it or not.
You may not think you're special.
Has this always been your plot?

You may have done some stupid things
but that does not mean you are so.
You may think you're a no one,
but I would be nothing if you were to go.

When I first started writing, which was only a month ago, I would write at least three a night. I couldn't sleep right for at least two weeks; I would go to bed around three and then wake up at six. I think it was because I was thinking too much, all of my thoughts running together. I needed a way to get all of my thoughts organized. So when I was cleaning out my closet (which I should probably do again, it is such a mess), I found the poem that I wrote last year in English. I rewrote and rephrased some of it, it was still almost the exact same as it was, and it sounded pretty awesome. So I posted it on my old blog. Which lead to me writing some more. (14 poems, to be exact. Then another thing, not a poem, but it's really long :)

Peace.

~Victoria.

How It All Began.

Here's the first poem I wrote. It was for a project in english last year:

I looked out my window,
the sky turning black.
The frustration and anger
that made me hold back.

I wanted to tell him,
to tell him the truth.
I wanted to show him
how much he made me hurt.

I looked away, remembering the pain,
the blood boiling throughout my veins.
I took a walk to shake off the anger.
I didn't think I could take it any longer.

But then I saw him, his face in my head,
I'm thinking of all the fun we used to have.
I missed it all, but mostly him.
Without him, my world turned dim.

I plan on re-posting everything on here, meaning everything I wrote and posted on my last blog. So for awhile everything might seem extremely repetitive. Sorry. :P

Peace.

~Victoria.

Nothing Gold Can Stay.

First official post. I really wanted to post this:

Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

I love that poem so much. I googled it and found the wikipedia page on it. Here's what it said:

"Robert Frost's poem at a glance seems to talk about nature and the changing of the seasons, however when broken down it seems as though the poem is saying that when you are young everything is new (gold) and once you start growing up and your imagination fades does everything become old or normal(green). Also, the line- 'Then leaf subsides to leaf.' means 'to become like others (normal).

Also, it means the first time you do or see something its one of the greatest things(gold). and its hard to make it stay that way. (her hardest hue to hold) her early leaf's a flower means that in the beginning its great/beautiful, but not for a long time. Then leaf subsides to leaf, things start to become normal, eden sank to grief, got sad."

It has a great meaning to it. I absolutely love it.

Peace.

~Victoria

A New Beginning..

Some of you may know me, some of you may not. You may remember me at: http://tylormademedothis.blogspot.com. Yes, I created a new account. I tried to import my blog, but that didn't really work out...so I decided to just create a totally different one with a new account. Call me OCD, but I couldn't stand seeing it on the main page. I like just having one blog at a time, to just focus on it. And my earlier posts on my old blog were really irritating me. I think differently now. Like I didn't used to believe in love...but now it's basically all I can think about. I still have my trust issues, and I still like him. Nothing is going to be really different from my old one, just my ideas will be different and I won't post much on my monotonous day. Or I'll at least try not to. (;

I'll make a better post tomorrow. :)

Peace.

~Victoria.