I'll Love You Endlessly.

"How did it end up like this?" ~The Killers

Orchestra went very well today. Except I sucked because I got new strings put on my violin yesterday so everything I played sounded horribly out of tune. Oh well.

Next week we're hosting the middle school UIL. Which will be fun. Hopefully.

I want to do something. About him. And I've come to a conclusion. About him. And I will do something about it. Next week? Maybe, maybe not. But I am. I promise. That's basically the only reason for this post.

Tomorrow's the last day of February. And it was 90° yesterday. Because y'all just needed that insight in my life.

I think I'll shut up now.

Peace.

Qu'est-ce qui est arrivé?*

"I love you like the stars above, I love you till I die."

-The Killers

I was debating with myself (yes, I know that is not healthy), whether or not to post this. But I decided to, it is my blog anyway. You guys are probably gonna freak out, just please don't, I'm perfectly sane. Really, I was just bored in french.

I'm falling away,
with nowhere to go,
this darkness is so heavy
this death is so slow.

There is no pain,
you can't show any emotion.
You feel like you're drowning
in a dark, deep blue ocean.

It is so calm,
but you just want to leave.
You can't be here,
you don't even believe.

You just feel lonely,
and you don't feel right.
Here there is only darkness,
there is no light.

Again, I am sane, just don't worry about me. :)

This really has been one of the worst weeks ever. Except pre-UIL went good, and we should do better for the actual UIL, which is in two weeks! :O

And about the last post: I do feel better now, but I'm still confused about him, he's been a real bastard lately. I'm just not sure anymore.

*What happened?

Peace.

Irritation.

"Cause you're my true love, my whole heart, please don't throw that away. I'm here for you. Please don't walk away, please tell me you'll stay." ~The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Today:

WORST. DAY. EVER.

I really wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Yeah, it was that bad.

I'm pissed off, confused, hurt, angry, mad, sad, and sick. Of course I'm sick before pre-UIL, everything goes wrong when we're about to go to a competition. I felt like I was going to throw up during orchestra today so I couldn't really concentrate, I was too busy trying not to honk all over the orchestra room.

I hate him right now, after this weekend my whole view on him went into the crapper. Now I like this other guy. I want a guy who has his looks but the other guy's personality. Shit.

You're probably wondering what went wrong. He's just become a(n) [insert bad word here]. I don't even know what happened to him. I miss the guy that I first met when I came here.

I love you. I miss you. You're the only person I want, ever will want. I want you back.

Agitation.

~Victoria.

Sleep Deprivation.

"Non, Anne prend son scooter!"

Yes, I know it's 5:30 in the morning. Yes, I know I should be asleep like normal people usually are at this time in the morning. But I feel like I could run a mile right now. Why? I have no fricken clue.

I had this creepy-weird dream, which I guess really pissed me off. So now I'm pissed off, and I can't sleep.

I thought coming here would help. Nope, not much. Then I went to Myspace. Yeah, not the best of ideas either. I was hoping someone would be on, then I realized, "Hey, it's 5 in the morning, shouldn't they be asleep?"

:(

Sorry, this is a weird post, I know. Especially the quote. That was a question from french, it means "No, Anne is taking her scooter!" or something like that. Now I can't remember what "pendre" means. It's too late to go to sleep now. :(

I'm fine, really, I am.

Oh, and one last thing: It said taurus' had a dreamy sexy voice. But isn't he a taurus?

Peace.

Beautiful Day

"Is this my final chance of getting you? On and on from the moment I wake, to the moment I sleep I'll be there by your side; just you try and stop me. I'll be waiting in line, just to see if you care." ~Coldplay.

Really really boring week so far. I haven't written anything in awhile. I have been working on something, but I haven't been able to get it perfect yet. Orchestra sucked. It wasn't even just me, it was everybody. And UIL's only in a week. No pressure, right? :P

I did practice today though, which I guess was kinda good.

A lot of people have asked me today if I was okay. Which was weird, because I am. I'm just really tired. How come no one asks me if I'm okay when I'm not?

:)

Peace.

Happy Singles Awareness Day...

"I know you aren't worth it. Now if only my heart would believe it."

I really hate Valentine's Day. Really. Maybe I wouldn't hate it as much if I actually had someone to celebrate it with. Maybe. Why do you need a day to tell someone you love them? You should do it every day, no matter what, and make every day special with them.

I took this quiz on Blogthings, the "What's You Valentine's Day Personality" quiz. Haha?

Your Valentine's Day Personality is Cynical
You really, truly hate Valentine's Day. It's your least favorite day of the year.You think Valentine's Day is fake, tacky, over the top, and meant to make single people feel bad.You realize that Valentine's Day is a holiday that only benefits companies... not couples.You know that real love is not about teddy bears and roses, and you feel like the holiday cheapens emotions.

Was it right answering the last question as "Bite Me"? (;

So happy Valentine's Day, or happy Singles Awareness Day, depending how you're going to spend today or who you're going to spend it with.

Peace.

I Just Love You.

"This is my way of saying goodbye, because I can't do it fact to face. So I'm talking to you before, no matter what happens now. I won't be afraid because I know today has been the most perfect day I have ever seen." ~Radiohead.

He knows. And it's very scary to think that. I think he understood, that's why he's been looking at me funny for the past few weeks. Well, he looks at everyone funny, but that's besides the point.

It's an educated guess; I'm not positive. But he might know. I always felt like I wanted him to, but now that he might, it just feels weird. I think I prefer him not knowing, but I realize that maybe I don't. I really don't know; I'm so confused right now. Why? Why do I have to like the only guy who wouldn't tell me if he liked me if he did? Why me? And why him? Why did he have to be the first person I met here? And most importantly: What is it about him that makes me like him? I know: "Write down all of the things you hate about him, and you'll soon realize that all of those are what you truly love about him". I hate that so much. Because it's so true.

I don't feel like I have any control over this. Which I know I could, but do I really? What if I mess up my only chance of telling him? I need to take that risk. But I can't. And obviously he can't either, if he knows.

Peace.

You're All I Have.

"Do you know, that everyday's the first of the rest of your life."~Thriving Ivory

I hate that song so much, but I still love it...

Here are three more that I've written in the last few days:

The first one I wrote two days ago because I was very pissed off. It's a long story, which I really don't want to get into. Okay, it's not a long story, I just don't want to talk about it right now. It's not about him, but another guy I used to really like before I moved here:

I cannot believe you,
You’ve let me down.
I thought more from you;
Maybe I should drown.

You never cared,
I was never in you heart.
Moving was the best thing that could have happened;
I’m glad that we’re apart.

Maybe if we were closer,
That would have changed your mind.
But I’m not sure if we could have been anything;
I feel deaf and blind.

Maybe I should go,
Since that’s what you probably want.
I feel like I’m losing everything;
I wish we could have fought.

It might have made everything easier,
Maybe easier to let you go.
No one has ever made me feel this hurt before,
I really just want you to know.

There's one good thing that happened because I left;
I’ve found someone new.
He means so much more to me,
More then you ever could.

The next one I wrote during Geometry; I was extremely bored and already finished my homework. I was praying the whole time that he wasn't going to collect the homework from the night before, because I doodled all over it and that's where I wrote this (thankfully he didn't :)

You were someone I could trust;
Someone who was always there.
You didn’t change like everyone else did,
But if you did I wouldn’t care.

I already feel like you aren’t the same,
No matter what I do it’s not enough.
And no matter how much I cry,
I realize you’re not someone I could love.

I want you to be the one,
Who loves me with all of my faults.
Because you’re the only one who’s perfect to me,
You’re the only one I want.

I don’t care what everyone else thinks,
But apparently you do.
Which is what makes me think you’ve changed;
I know this isn’t the real you.

And the last one I wrote last night. It's not really about anything, nothing that's about me, anyway:

She looks at him like she doesn’t know him,
Like she’s embarrassed to be seen.
But is she really guilty?
Or did she just not want to create a scene?

The guilt is still there,
Along with the pain.
But she had to get away from him,
It was the only way to keep herself sane.

She broke his heart,
But she just wanted to feel loved.
She needed someone who understood her,
But the damage was too deep to be undone.

He really did love her,
But he knew what he said was fueled with hate.
He wanted to take everything back,
But he knew it was already too late.

He missed her so much,
And she knew she missed him.
But she wouldn’t be able to take it,
She knew their future together looked grim.

But as she passes him,
He doesn’t look up in spite.
She feels like he had hit her again;
Nothing can be said to make everything right.

You know what I really want to do right now? I want to go sit outside Barnes and Noble, and people watch. Creepy, right? But I just think it would be fun to just think up a story of someone who you've never met before, and only have seen, never talked to before. Then just write something; a poem, story. Kind of like the last one I wrote. But about a real person. That would be fun.

Peace.

Only A Dream?

"This time I wonder what it feels like to find the one in this life; the one we all dream of. But dreams just aren't enough."~Nickelback

We were in world geography, the only class from last semester that I actually miss. We were talking to our friend, the one who always calls him gay. Then she left with our other friend; she just got up and left, kind of like it was planned, leaving just the two of us together with only a few other people in the room around us, but they weren't paying any attention to us. We stood up, I don't remember why, and we were just looking at each other. Then we were talking. I don't remember about what, but I do remember we were both smiling. He almost looked like he was thinking about something, like he had something on his mind. Then he leaned down. And we kissed. It was a very long one at that. Then we just looked at each other. That was the most vivid dream that I have ever had. ever.

I've been having flashbacks-first of the time in orchestra last year that I described in my last post. Now this, of the dream I had a few months ago. Which I know I posted about on my other blog, but I just thought it would only be right if I posted it on here too. I felt like I had to, I don't know why. I don't know what happened, but I just all of a sudden remembered more of it, and more details. And this is easily the best dream I had ever had; it was like I could feel him there, like it wasn't a dream, but actually happening. But it was only a dream, I do know that. Unfortunately. (;

Peace.

~Victoria.

Forgetful.

"So I'll be waiting for the real thing; I'll know it by the feeling: the moment when we're meeting will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen. So I'll be holdin' my own breath, right up to the end, until that moment when I find the one that I'll spend forever with." ~Nickelback

Do you remember that one day in orchestra last year, when we played together? Finally, I was able to hear you play, since you never let me. You never let anyone hear you play. You're so much better than you think you are, just to let you know. You should play with more confidence, you could easily be in the first chair, if you really wanted to. Maybe bringing your instrument home more often might help. It's just a thought.

But we played it each time faster and faster, pushing ourselves to play it as fast as possible, since we both knew we could play it so much faster, much faster than how we played it during orchestra. And we both knew that both of us wanted it faster. We just knew.

But I'll always remember how you were smiling, which was really the only time when it was just us together that you smiled. We had fun, I'll always remember that. Even you. You didn't talk to anyone else, just me. You didn't turn around, say "Hey." to the cellos like you usually do. It was just us. Which was a nice change, even though there were a whole bunch of other people around us. And it really did feel amazing to play next to you, I don't think you know that. You might never know.

Why can't we push our relationship together like that? Push it to see how far it could go? I feel like I need to know. What's really the point of being together if we can't really be together? There is no point. I need you. End of conversation.

It could either completely fall apart, or it could come together, just like our parts did that one day last year.

We should increase the tempo. Do you even remember that day? Probably not. Maybe you do. But I won't ever find out if you do, will I? Just like you might never know how much that meant to me.

Let's both just live in denial, and care about what other people would think of us being together. So what if we're in different "social groups"? That shouldn't matter. If you truly care about a person, then nothing should get in the way of you two being together.

In Limbo?

It's been a month...A whole month...

He still hasn't said anything. No indication if he noticed it or not. It's more likely not though....

I hate that feeling like you're in the dark, and you don't know what's going on. You don't know what to feel, or if you should even feel anything at all. You want to care for that special person, but at the same time you don't want to waste your time on someone you're not sure would ever care for you and have the same feelings as you do for them.

There's times you feel like you need them that very second you start feeling even the tiniest bit of loneliness. But you know they will never be there to ease your pain. Not now, and probably not ever. But you still carry that little piece of hope in your heart, praying that one day, sometime soon, that he cares. But you don't want to wait any longer. And you can't.

Something is keeping you there with him, you don't know what, but something is telling you that he's hiding his true feelings. Or at least that's what you hope.

Caring for him may have caused you more damage than good, you soon realize. You've been waiting too long, and you've given up too much of your time trying to make him understand. To see that he's one of the only people you trust. You've somehow become numb. Nothing phases you anymore. You almost feel cold-hearted. But he's still one of the only people in your life you care about.

Love? For you it could possibly be. You can't leave him, and it's too hard for you to let him go. Would leaving him help you? Or would it just create more pain, and a bigger hole in your heart? There's only one way to find out...

["Limbo: the state of being disregarded or forgotten."

In limbo? Most definatly.]

Descending.

"And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take. When people run in circles it's a very, very mad world." ~Gary Jules, Mad World.

I just wanted to start out with this: I do not like the cute guy that I saw yesterday. Not even as a crush. Just to clear that up for y'all. I just think he's incredibly hot, but that's basically it. I'm not even sure if we could even carry out a conversation for that long, I've never really talked to him much. And I could never like him even close enough to the other guy. It's just impossible.

Today was another great day. Absolutely amazing.

I haven't written anything in awhile. I hope to write something great this weekend.

Peace.

~Victoria.

Realism.

"Reality continues to ruin my life."

Today was the best day ever. Everything was great; it was absolutely perfect. A day like this hasn't happened in awhile, so this is a great change. :) What went so perfect? Orchestra. In french I actually talked to some friends instead of reading the whole class. Geometry I got all of my french and math homework done while he was doing notes, so now I have no homework. (Lately I've been up till 11 trying to finish homework.) And biology was just easy. Nothing really new. :) And in the passing period between 3rd and 4th periods I saw the cutest guy ever that was in one of my classes last semester. We looked at each other. Oh yeah. :)

I've noticed that my 'best days ever' have included him and I not talking much. Weird.

Peace. :)

~Victoria.

What else can be said, but "Grrr"?

"Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't want to know. If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go. Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming of angels on the moon, where everyone you know never leaves to soon." ~Thriving Ivory, 'Angels on the Moon'.

I don't feel so good. I'm just not sure about anything anymore. And I'm soo tired. Here are two poems I have written in the past few days:

I want to know,
But I’m too afraid.
There’s so much I want to do with you,
So much I feel like I need to say.

You wouldn’t react very well,
That’s how I imagine the worse.
But this might take awhile;
I can’t explain everything very terse.

So as I walk up to you
And see you looking at me,
I can feel the pressure,
It’s not even close to a tolerable degree.

So how will it end?
I guess only time will tell.
But right now I have no clue what I’m feeling,
Though I feel like I’m living in hell.

I have so many mixed emotions,
I have no idea how to deal.
But maybe once I know how you think
The hole in my stomach could finally heal.

And the second:

I finally hate you,
I can finally see the light.
I’m not in a fog anymore,
Everything’s becoming bright.

I can finally see everything,
Both the bad and the good.
You’re not the guy I use to know;
That's what I should have understood.

You’ve become someone different,
Someone I don’t want to know.
I’m in a place I don’t want to be in.
And I just want to go.

I felt the connection from the start,
But I guess there never was one.
But you’re still here,
And I can’t seem to run.

And by the way, the second one is true. Finally, after so long. I somehow feel accomplished. It feels great. :)

Peace.

~Victoria.

A Solitary Disposition.

"And maybe we will do this for the rest of our lives; maybe we will live forever. And maybe we don't have to think it's right, and maybe we will. I don't feel what you feel, I don't want to feel this incomplete. No one here can tell me how to fill this space between. Everyone knows you're my one regret; everyone knows you're my one weakness." ~The Last Goodnight.

I don't want to feel this incomplete.

We all want to be accepted, to be loved by others. But sometimes we don't; sometimes we just want to be alone, to sit in a corner of a dark room and just think. About nothing, or something very profound. Or we want to be in that room, listen to extremely sad songs and just cry, to let everything out that we have been holding in for so long.

Sometimes we have no one to be there for us. And other times we do, but they don't understand. Their kind words just can't comfort you because they don't fully understand you. They can't feel your pain because they haven't experienced it yet. And you hope that one day you find that perfect person that you know you can tell everything to. Who really and truly understands. Someone who is always there for you and will never let you down.

You can never know if they are the one until you take that leap and finally trust them with everything you've been holding in for so long. But you just have to believe, and hope and pray that they really are there for you. Because he is out there, whether you know it or not. And he will find you, one day, before it's too late.

Peace.

~Victoria.

*Note: I wrote this yesterday but I never had a chance to post it. :)*